My Demon Has Pneumonia?
by Jedi Alice
Summary: When Sebastian falls ill, Ciel is told by Shimigami/Doctor Jacky Anderson to help look after him, and the demon is confined to bed. Both have been promised something awesome once this is all over. Rated M. SebastianXOC
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: We've seen Ciel when he gets sick, and it usually leads to an asthma attack and vomiting, since they didn't have inhalers back then (though they somehow had cell phones and their own version of the Nintendo DS, courtesy of Funtom Toys.). But what would happen if Sebastian contracted a serious illness, like the supernatural version of pneumonia or something like that? How would Ciel react to his butler being unable to even get out of bed? Could anyone help him?**

 **Well, you just need a doctor to** ** _DIE_** **for. No, I don't mean Grell.**

 **Anyway, on with this random thing I thought up just now!**

 **My Demon Has Pneumonia?**

 **This is what happens** when a human gets sick: fever, runny nose, coughs, headaches, chills, exhaustion, sore throat, and in severe cases, DEATH. But when a demon gets sick, it's a hundred times worse. You can cook an egg in three seconds on their forehead, whole townships get flooded with demon-snot, coughing up black phlegm, skull-splitting migraines, chills so bad they have to jump in the fireplace or in boiling water just to feel warm, they can't even speak, and in severe cases, a slow painful DEATH!

How does a demon, of all unholy creatures, get so sick? Stab them with a death-scythe dipped in holy water. Or just dump them in holy water. That'd do it. Anyway, that's basically what happened to Sebastian: hit with a death-scythe and holy water in his lungs. I'm a human and that doesn't sound fun.

He survived, but soon found himself with the first stages of an illness: small fever and a cough. even though demons don't really need to breathe, Sebastian found himself coughing. This was enough to make him panic a little. Not once since the day he became a demon had he coughed, so what the hell was wrong with him?!

About a day later, his fever was worse, and he'd begun coughing up black phlegm. Now he was seriously worried. He'd once been friends with a demon who started coughing up black phlegm. He had met an agonizingly slow and painful death, choked by that vile black goop. It had been classified as the first recorded case of "Demon pneumonia." Not wanting such a pitiful end for himself, he informed Ciel of his condition and scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next day.

Ciel was having a hard time believing it, but then again, Sebastian couldn't lie to him. And he hadn't looked very healthy since the whole "death-scythe-and-holy-water" incident. He was paler, and seemed to tire quickly. Though he pretended not to give a shit, Ciel was secretly worried about his butler. After all, who would help him get his revenge if he was bed-ridden?

The next day, Sebastian's cold hit him where it hurts. He couldn't get out of bed even if his life depended on it. "He's in here," he heard his master say as the door opened, and who should walk in but Grim Reaper Jacky Anderson, who also ran a supernatural medical practice in the Undertaker's basement.

"Hey, Sebby," she said, making him smile weakly. "How're you feeling today?"

"To put it eloquently, like someone dumped Pluto's excrement on me, doused me in hell-fire, then proceeded to beat me to a bloody pulp with 100-ton marble-statues," Sebastian replied, trying to convey how horrible he felt.

"So, gross, feverish, and in pain?" Jacky summarized. Secretly she gave him points for being able to think in his state.

"Quite." was all the sickly demon could say.

"Well, time for the basic examination," she said, setting her doctor's bag down on the nightstand beside the little-used bed and taking out a raw egg and a stopwatch. "First, your temperature."

"Why do you need an egg and a watch?" Ciel asked. When his late Aunt An (aka one half of Jack the Ripper) had given him a checkup after he came back, she'd used a thermometer, not an egg and a stop watch.

"Because a demon fever would melt a thermometer and the mercury would make a mess," Jacky explained, cracking the egg on Sebastian's forehead. It fried in three seconds, at which point she took it off his head, added a little salt and garlic, and ate it. "405 degrees," she said. "Definitely a bad fever. Next I'll need to check your throat." she took out a tongue depressor and a scope. "Open up and say 'ah,'" she instructed.

Normally, Sebastian would make innuendo at this, but he just didn't have the energy to do so, and thus simply followed the Reaper's instructions. "Ahhh," he said as he opened his mouth wide and felt the wood press down on his tongue.

"Raw and glistening with a mix of blood and black phlegm," Jacky reported. "Not good at all." She removed the tongue depressor, letting Sebastian close his mouth. "Next, I'll need to listen to your breathing."

"Demons don't breathe," Ciel pointed out.

"demons don't _need_ to breathe," Jacky corrected, taking a stethoscope from her bag. "At least, not as much as living creatures do. They still require air for their speech. After all, sound for speech is produced by air moving the vocal chords. The pitch depends on how quickly or slowly the air causes them to vibrate. It's a lot like how a guitar or violin's strings create sound for music, but that's an analogy for another day. The point is, demons may not need the oxygen in air to survive, but unless they live as a mute, they need the air itself to talk. Thus, their lungs are a little smaller than a human's."

She bent down to unbutton said demon's nightshirt, breathed softly on the stethoscope so it wouldn't feel cold, then pressed it gently to his rib-cage. "Deep breath in," she instructed, and Sebastian inhaled through his mouth, as his nose was completely stuffed up. "And deep breath out." Sebastian slowly exhaled. They did this a few more times before Jacky stopped when he started coughing violently. "Yep, your lungs are partially flooded with that black gunk." Jacky stated.

"So, what's wrong with him?" Ciel asked.

"To put it in human terms, he's got pneumonia," was the diagnosis. "He's got all the classic symptoms of the Demon version of a human ailment. Did he happen to get any holy water in his lungs recently?'

"About a week ago, yes," Ciel confirmed. "Is that why he's sick?"

"Most definitely," Jacky said. "You seen, when a human gets water in their lungs, it leads to either drowning, or pneumonia. If a demon gets regular or salt water in their lungs, it's really no problem. but holy water, that's another story entirely. Luckily, there is a cure!" She rummaged in her bag until she brought out a small bottle of what looked like some kind of tonic. "This is concentrated sin," sje explained. "Sebby, make sure you take one tablespoon of it ever 8 hours until it's all gone. If you can't lift the spoon, Ciel will help you."

"Wait, why do I have to help?! It's his cold, not m-" Ciel stopped his arguing when Jacky whispered something in his ear that caught his attention. "Okay, I'll do it!" he said, looking eager about something.

"Lastly, Sebby, unless you need to bathe to shit or something of that nature, don't get out of this bed," Jacky said. "I can look after Ciel while you're bed-ridden, so just take it easy and focus on getting better."

"But a Phantomhive butler who can't look after his master even while in such a state isn't worth his sal-" Sebastian stopped protesting when Jacky whispered in his ear. "I'll hold you to that." He replied.

"I know." Jacky said as she packed up, nodding for Ciel to leave the room with her. "Now get some sleep. The sooner you get better, the better off this mansion will be."

Sebastian nodded, took a tablespoon of the medicine, then curled up and went to sleep.

"What did you promise him to make him stay in bed?" Ciel asked once they left the room.

"I said I'd dress up in a sexy black cat suit and have sex with him once he was back to full health." Came the blunt, mentally scarring reply. Ciel blushed at the mental image of Jacky in such an outfit.

 **Eight hours later...**

"What did Jacky promise you to make you agree to being my nurse?" Sebastian asked Ciel as he helped him take his medicine.

"She promised to make me a ten-Decker chocolate cake with chocolate mouse frosting and white chocolate chips once you get better," Ciel replied, almost drooling over the thought of such a wonderful cake.


	2. Chapter 2 Incoming Snot Bombs!

**Chapter 2:**

 **Incoming Snot!**

 **Ciel sat at the dinner table** with Jacky as they ate. For an American, Jacky was a really good cook! She'd made macaroni and cheese seasoned with garlic powder for the main course, garlic bread for the side-dish, and a moist chocolate cake for dessert. _I'm officially impressed,_ Ciel thought in amazement as he tried not to snarf everything down like a pig. _Her cooking's on par with Sebastian's! I wonder what else she can do?_

"How'd you learn to cook like this?" he asked the Reaper.

"Well, long story short, my mom taught me how to cook when I was about eight years old," Jacky began. "When she kicked the bucket when I was 12, I had to do everything for myself, including cooking. In fact, selling the pastries I made was how I kept up with the rent, since I refused to let my dad be a part of my life."

"You don't like your dad?"

"He was a petty thief and a mama's boy," Jacky explained, sounding extremely bitter. "He didn't even start paying child-support until I was 16. Cheap, lowlife bastard."

"What's child support?" Ciel asked. He'd never heard of such a thing.

"Basically, if your parents are divorced, the one who the child doesn't spend the majority of it's time with has to pay a certain amount of money every month to help provide for the kid until said kid is 18," Jacky explained. "To this day, I've never seen the bastard's face. But if I ever meet him when I get to go back to my era, screw the ordinances! I'm beating him to death with my death-scythe!"

"Maybe that's why William brought you here," Ciel theorized. "So you wouldn't break the rules and end up like your vulgar uncle."

"Maybe," Jacky said with a shrug as she went for seconds on the macaroni. "But I'm still pissed off about it. Now, by my watch, it's time to check up on Sebby. C'mon, let's see how the poor devil's doing."

Still carrying her plate, she told Mey-Rin to get the dining room cleaned up, and that she and the other servants could have the left-overs. Then, she and Ciel went to Sebastian's room and knocked twice.

"Achoo! Come in," Sebastian responded. They opened the door, to find Sebastian sitting up with bleary eyes and a running nose.

"Still feeling shitty?" Jacky asked, earning a tired nod. "Well, it'll help to get all that gunk out of your nose."

"How? It feels as if there are gallons of it in there," Sebastian asked, only to find a faucet attached to his nostril and a bucket held beneath it. The snot was drained, and the bucket set to the side, replaced with another. This repeated until it was all out.

After draining Sebastian's nose of 20 gallons of black snot, Ciel and Jacky were left wondering what to do with all that gunk. "How the Hell are we supposed to dispose of all this?" the young Earl Phantomhive asked, gesturing to the 20 buckets.

"Hmm, an interesting dilemma, indeed," the young Reaper replied, looking at the stuff quizzically. Suddenly, she had an idea. A wonderful, awful idea that caused her to smile like the Grinch who stole Christmas. "Ciel? Do you have any enemies we can dump this stuff on?" she asked, giving him a wicked grin.

Ciel stared at her for a moment like she had gone mad (though, really, most who met her knew she was slightly insane.), but when he realized what she meant, he mirrored her smile. "The Trancey household is in for an unpleasant surprise," he said deviously.

Meanwhile, at the Trancey estate…

"Hmm, that's weird," Alois muttered from where he sat. "It feels like someone's plotting to humiliate me again, but who?"

Back at Phantomhive Manor…

"Thank you all for attending this mandatory household meeting," Jacky said, standing in front of a chalkboard with pictures drawn on it. "I suppose you all except the young master are wondering why I've called you here today?"

"Does it have something to do with why Sebastian-san left his room today, does it?" Mey-Rin asked.

"Indeed it does, Mey-Rin," Jacky said. "Sebastian-san is sick, and in his current state, his nose has produced 20 gallons of snot and mucus in just a 16-hour time-period." This caused a horrified gasp among the servants. "Ciel and I have come up with a plan to dispose of said waste product, by dumping it on the Trancey Household via trebuchet. Finni, you will use your awesome strength to help assemble the trebuchet, Bardroy, you will assist with loading the ammo, Mey-Rin you will use your amazing eyesight to help with the aim, and Tanaka-san… please carry on as per norm."

"Ho ho ho!"

"Are there any questions?" Jacky asked.

"What are you going to do while we do all the hard work?"

"Power tools, blue prints, and telling you when to launch," Jacky answered. "Meanwhile, the young master can simply sit back and enjoy Alois' humiliation with a nice glass of lemonade."

"Sounds good to me," Ciel said, crossing his legs casually. "I approve of this plan, so the lot of you, carry it out post-haste!"

"Yes, young master!" the servants said eagerly while Jacky gave a sharp nod.

After only two hours, the trebuchet was set up and ready to hurl the balloons filled with Sebastian's pneumonia-laced snot. "Is the telescope focused on the Tranceys, yet?" Ciel asked Jacky.

"Specifically, it's focused on that psychotic shota, himself," Jacky said, hooking the telescope up to a projection screen. Alois was drinking tea in his garden, while his butler was busy conversing with a bird, a flower in his hair. Jacky burst out laughing at the sight. "What a Disney princess!" she said, trying to breathe.

"Disney princess?" Ciel asked, having never heard the term before.

"I'll explain later, Ciel," the reaper promised. "Mey-Rin, is the trebuchet aimed at the blonde boy in booty-shorts?" she asked, looking up at the far-sighted maid.

"Locked on and loaded, it is," she said, taking on her old assassin behavior.

"Bardroy, at the ready!" Jacky ordered, handing Ciel a bag of buttery popcorn. "Aim… FIRE!"

Claude and Alois were seen looking up, only to be splattered with black goo. Almost at once, Ciel burst out laughing at their reactions. Alois was bawling like a bitch, and Claude's eye was twitching. Another round was launched, and this time, it hit Hannah, the demon-maid. The third round hit the triplets.

By the time every last snot-bomb had been deployed, Trancey's entire garden was pretty much in ruins. "You wanna know something interesting about demon snot, Ciel?" Jacky asked as Bardroy loaded the final balloon into the trebuchet. "it sticks to fabrics like glue, and catches fire with a single spark." The balloon was launched, and Ciel watched in amusement as Alois ran around screaming bloody murder until he slipped and fell face down in the slimy substance.

"That was the most hilarious prank ever!" Ciel said, trying to catch his breath so he wouldn't have an asthma attack. "We should do that to Viscount Druitt, next!"

"Sounds fun!" Jacky said with a smile.

* * *

 **A/N: OMFG! I am SO sorry it took me so long to update this, everyone! I was without internet access for a whole month and 8 days, and while it gave me plenty of time to write more for this chapter, it was so damn frustrating to not be able to post these things! I honestly though I was gonna go insane (not that I _am_ completely sane to begin with)! Thank you for your patience, I really hope you guys enjoyed the second chapter. I'll have chapter 3 up post haste!**

 **Sebastian: (Cough, cough) The more of you who review, the sooner Jedi Alice will update, and the sooner I'll be healthy again! Seriously, Demon Pneumonia is the pits!**

 **Me: You heard the sick demon! Review!**


	3. Chapter 3: Fever Chills

**A/N: As promised, Chapter 3 is now ready! Spoiler, for those of you who've heard "Lullaby for a Princess, Luna's Reply, and Luna's Soliloquy," the lullaby Jacky sings for Ciel is based off it. Ciel, the disclaimer, if you please.**

 **Ciel: Jedi Alice does not own Kuroshitsuji or its characters. Nor does she own "lullaby for a princess." She's not earning any profit from this, and is writing it solely for her own amusement. There, I said it! Now where's the Gateau Au Chocolate you promised me?**

 **Me: (hands the brat the slice of cake) Now on with the story! BTW, if you're wondering where I got the idea to bomb Trancy Manor with diseased snot, you do not want to know how sick and twisted my mind gets when I'm dead tired! I came up with that at like, two in the morning!**

 **Chapter Three**

 **Fever Chills**

 **Not long after** the snot-bombing of the Transy estate, Jacky went back to Sebastian's quarters to check up on her patient. The poor demon, despite being extremely feverish, felt chilled to the bone, and was soaked in a cold sweat. Jacky quietly sat down beside the butler, gently stroking his hair to soothe him. His trembling eased a bit, drifting off into an even deeper sleep.

"Jacky, what on earth are you doing, tending to such a noxious beast?" a voice at the window asked. Jacky looked up to see her stern boss, Mr. William T. Spears, frowning, his death-scythe up his ass as always.

"I'm not on the clock at the moment, boss-man," she said quietly, so not to wake her sickly lover. "And this isn't a social call. Lord Phantomhive has paid me a tidy sum up-front to nurse this demon back to health, and has promised to pay me double that once he's well and back on his feet, doing his duty as one hell of a butler."

"I'm amazed you can even stand to be in the same room as him," the elder Shinigami commented. "It reeks not only of demon, but of illness. Is pneumonia not contagious?"

"Only demons can contract the Demon strain of the illness," Jacky replied. "Which is precisely why I had twenty gallons of Sebastian's sickness-laced mucus dropped on the Transy estate. That little attention whore has _five_ demons working for him, four of which are not bound to him by a contract. As I've yet to be contacted by them for medical aid, they either do not recognize me as a doctor and have found assistance elsewhere, or have not yet been taken by the illness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get my patient another blanket, as he's suffering through fever chills at the moment." With a nod, William let her be, and left the premises. Jacky tried to get up to get another blanket, only to find Sebastian's arms wrapped around her slim waist as he moved his head into her lap, nuzzling into her thighs. The young reaper blushed, but smiled gently, knowing that Sebby was unaware of his actions, and was simply trying to get comfortable. She let him sleep, all the while waiting for it to be time to give the demon his medicine.

At last, it was again time. "Sebby, it's time to take your medicine. Wake up," Jacky said, gently shaking him. With a soft groan, Sebastian opened his eyes. The normally beautiful, bright ruby red eyes were now dull and hazy, showing his illness. He raised his head slightly, letting Jacky feed him the stuff. While I can't say how a human's pallet would react to it, to Sebastian, it was a rich, wonderfully savory taste, with a slightly bitter aftertaste. Think of well-seasoned macaroni and cheese with a Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate bar for desert. That's the closest comparison I can make. "I have to go check on the young master now, Sebby," Jacky said once he'd swallowed and closed his eyes. "So I need you to let go so I can get up." Sebastian did so very reluctantly. He wanted Jacky to stay beside him and keep him warm, but he knew it wouldn't do for the master to be neglected. Thus, he removed his arms from her person.

"Once you've put the young master to bed, please come back," he whispered weakly, his voice trembling almost as much as his body. "It feels so cold in here…"

Jacky smiled gently as she placed a warmer blanket over him, tucking him in to keep in the warmth, then placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Sebastian smiled faintly, before drifting off to sleep again.

Jacky quickly saw about preparing a decent supper for Ciel. Tonight, it would be four-cheese pizza with a garlic-buttered crust, one of her favorite dishes. Ciel, who rarely enjoyed spicy meals, actually enjoyed the dish. Once he'd eaten his fill, Jacky had the others take the leftovers back to the kitchen and do the dishes, while she drew her temporary master a warm bath. Ciel found it slightly awkward to have a female undress him and bathe him, but he thanked everything that Jacky not only wasn't a perverted pedophile, but had worn a blindfold while bathing him so she wouldn't see anything he didn't want her to see. He did startle a bit when the reaper cleaned him _down there,_ but she got it over with in just a minute, not giving him enough time to become uncomfortable. Once he was clean, Jacky helped him out of the bath and drained it, then dried him off, before finally dressing him in a nightshirt (which had belonged to Sebastian. LOL!)

Now that Ciel was decent, she removed the blindfold, and tucked her charge into bed. "I hope my first day's performance as your temporary servant was satisfactory, young lord," she said as he removed the gauze eye-patch Ciel usually wore, placing it on the nightstand.

"You did better than I expected," Ciel admitted. "I'd half-feared you'd be as incompetent as your vulgar uncle." The memory of Grell's mistakes as Madam Red's butler flashed through their minds.

"Just because Grell and I are related doesn't mean we're the same," Jacky said, picking up the candelabra and preparing to leave the room. "We may share some similarities, but we are two entirely different beings. I would ask you to remember that."

"Fair enough," Ciel said with a small yawn, unaware of how cute Jacky thought he looked when he did so. "Good night, Jacky."

"Goodnight, Master Ciel," Jacky said, slowly backing away. "Sleep tight, and don't let the nightmares bite." With that, she exited the room and softly closed the door. She blew out the candles, not really needing their tiny lights, then made her way to Sebastian's room, just as he was starting to wake up again.

"Is the young master taken care of for the night?" the demon asked sleepily.

"Mmhm," Jacky confirmed. "Fed, bathed, and tucked into bed. Hopefully, he won't have any nightmares tonight." She said as she sat down beside Sebastian, allowing him to pillow his head in her lap again. He was still shivering, but not as much as before. He looked up at her, his eyes hazy with sleep, illness, and something else that Jacky couldn't quite place.

"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?" he asked softly. With a gentle nod, Jacky began to stroke his silky, slightly sweaty hair, while humming the tune of a lullaby who's words she'd long forgotten. Soon enough, he was fast asleep. With a soft chuckle, Jacky lifted his head off her lap, got up, then gently lowered his head onto a pillow. She put a cool cloth on his feverish forehead, then left him to sleep.

Now that her temporary master and her patient were sleeping, she could patrol the grounds to make sure no one was coming to rob them or attack the young master. Checking the "To-Die List" app on her iPhone, something she'd brought from the future, she found that a group of bandits had been sent to try to rob the manor and kill anyone they who got in their way. Snickering wryly, Jacky pulled on her overcoat, which she wore in much the same way as her uncle wore his, as hers was a couple sizes too small, then went outside to wait on the roof for her quarry.

At around 12:30 p.m., the thieves showed up, slowly and silently approaching the manor's back entrance. At this, Jacky made her presence known. "Dear me, this will never do," she said, loud enough to get their attention but quiet enough not to wake anyone inside. "Visitors are only accepted through the front entrance, you see…" she said, bringing her death-scythe into view. "And they are only welcome… during the young master's waking hours."

With that, she leapt off the roof, easily taking out the intruders. "Tom Morris, born January 28th, 1867. Died on February 21st, 1890 of heart failure due to extensive hemorrhaging. Additional remarks, none. Judgement complete. Danny Mathis, born September 7 1872, died on February 21st, same as above. Ryan Connors, July 31st to February 21st, same as above. Brock Dickson, June 3rd to February 21st, as above. Judgement complete. Honestly, such incompetence! But then again, what else would one expect of the lower class of the late 19th century? Now, let's see who hired you lot…" Jacky said, examining their apparent leader's cinematic record to just a few hours ago. Indeed, they were naught but hired thugs, paid to steal any little bit of anything even remote value. Jacky grinned devilishly as she got the name of the asshole who'd sent the, before sending a few of her "friends from the other side" to pay him a visit. After cleaning up the mess and disposing of the corpses in the forest, leaving them for the wolves to pick over, she got herself cleaned up, then went to check on Ciel.

As she neared his room, she heard Ciel scream himself awake. Re-lighting the candles again, she knocked on the door to announce her presence. "W-Who's there?" Ciel asked timidly.

"It's just me, Jacky Anderson," the young reaper said soothingly as she entered the room.

"Jacky?" Ciel echoed uncertainly, still a bit disoriented from his dream and cocooned in his comforters. "H-Has anyone tried to sneak in?"

"No, my lord," she fibbed, seeing no reason to worry him even more. "It's all quiet tonight." She gently reached out to stroke his cheek. Ciel flinched slightly, but the gesture was gentle, and soothed him a bit. "Would it help if I was to sing you a lullaby, my lord?"

"Perhaps," Ciel said, allowing Jacky to tuck him back in and sit at his bedside. With that, she took out a music box, wound it, and let it play. She sang "Lullaby for a Princess," and in about a minute, Ciel was fast asleep.

* * *

 **A/N: Lyrics for Lullaby for a Princess on YouTube!**


End file.
